Hermione's New Job
by Neemphadourah Tawncks
Summary: In her sixth year, Hermione is extremely short on Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Her new job of choice? Well, you'll just have to read then, won't you? coughhighendwhorecough
1. Hogwarts Express and Ron

Hermione's New Job  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Description: In her sixth year, Hermione is extremely short on Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Her new job of choice? Well, you'll just have to read then, won't you? *coughhighendwhorecough*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be writing book six, not *this*.  
  
A/N Explanatory: I wrote a MST with a few friends. My friends and I are highly perverted, and the writer was bad. Thus, we came up with the sub concept of Hermione as a hooker/whore sorta gal. I would give a few quotes of how my friends defined this, but it's quite dirty. We went as far as taking the term "Give me a hand" a perverted underlying meaning.  
  
So, I decided, because my friend made a doll of Whore Hermione, that it was my duty to write the fanfic. So, here it is, eppie one. Have fun and laugh until you piss your pants.  
  
Oh, and BTW, I will be finding ideal moments to quote the MST. This is to humor my friends.  
  
Real quick, thank you Loui, Manda, and Mandy.  
  
Episode One: Hogwarts Express and Ron  
  
Hermione hopped out of bed, very excited. Today was the day that she got to go shop at Diagon Alley. She had just gotten her letter days before telling her what she needed from the magical shopping center. She quickly got dressed after having an Herbal Essence shower, and woke her parents before running downstairs to make breakfast and coffee. After her parents woke up and had their coffee, they got in the car and drove to London.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Hermione ran through Diagon Aleey to Gringotts to get her money. However, when she got to her safe, she was very disappointed.  
  
All that was left was 20 galleons, 10 sickles, and 5 knuts, which would barely get her through her shopping list. She suddenly remembered that she had secretly battled with an addiction to butterbeer last year, and thus understood why she was so low on money. She sadly scooped up all her money, and went to go shopping.  
  
She had spent all but one knut by the end, and had to spend that last knut to get ice cream with Ron and Harry, because she refused to look like she was asking for donations from Harry.  
  
She left trying to look happy, but failed, and as she got in the car, she began to try to think of what job she could get that paid well.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
As she sat in her mum's car two weeks later, she felt a pang of guilt. The only job she could think of that she could do and get paid well for was a hooker. She decided to stick with the idea, and was wearing a black lingerie set under her clothes. She also had a pair of stiletto heels in her bag and was going to change shoes once she got on the train.  
  
Her mother left as soon as Hermione got out of the car, having an emergency root canal to do, and Hermione walked slowly to the area where the barrier was set up. She walked slowly and casually through the barrier, and then began to speed up to get in the train. She looked around and noticed the huge mass of people. 'Ooh, yey, more money for me!' She thought in a semi- happy tone, though it was mildly more bitter than pleased.  
  
She changed her shoes, and waited for a customer. She was preying that her friends weren't looking for her, cause she put a spell on the door that would cause it to close and be locked throughout the whole trip, not opening until the second the train stopped.  
  
Suddenly, someone walked through the door, turned around, and went to close it, but it shut all on it's own, which obviously startled the person.  
  
'Dear Merlin, please say it's a he!'  
  
The person turned around, and looked at Hermione for a second. She frowned slightly. One of her worst fears had come true.  
  
No, you perverted creep, it isn't Millicent.  
  
"What happened to the door?" Ron asked. Hermione squirmed slightly.  
  
"Uhhh...well...you see...I'm really low on wizard money, and I...I..."  
  
She tried to sutly shove her shirt to show the black bra. Ron, the dumbass, didn't put two and two together.  
  
"What? You thought you teach people how to be lazy bums and lock the door without getting out of their seats?"  
  
"No...uhh...eh...this is really embarrasing..."  
  
She tried to lower a section of her skirt to show her thong, but he didn't notice.  
  
"I'm your friend, you can tell me what's going on here!" He tried to sound caring, but a litle bit of an impatient tone shown through.  
  
"I'm...I'm...I'm whorawring." She mumbled. He showed a confused look on his face.  
  
"I'm a whokuker." Another mumble, followed by another confused look.  
  
Hermione went extremely red before saying, "I'm screwing people for alot of money, OKAY?"  
  
Ron stared for a moment, and then covered up a laugh with an extremely long cough.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh nothing, nothing, just...picturing you in lingerie, it's kinda hard. I mean, you in a bra? Or a thong?"  
  
Hermione shot him a slightly angered look, before trying to casually take off her shirt to reveal the bra. Ron stopped laughing. The hault of laughing was followed by snogging and flying clothes.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Hermione was getting her robes on, and Ron was searching for galleons and his boxers. I know, not a lovely mental image, but it's part of the story, okay?  
  
'Wow, all it takes is 30 seconds for me to get fifteen galleons? Wow, maybe this job isn't so bad!' She thought, and began to help Ron look for the gold. After they were dressed and Hermione paid, Ron went to leave, but then realised that it was locked. He looked over to Hermione for an explanation.  
  
"Well, see, I expected this situation to last a tad bit longer, so the door won't be unlocked until the train stops."  
  
Ron looked both upset and embarrased, so he sat back down. He looked at the ground for a little bit as akward silence filled the air.  
  
"Hey, how come Harry wasn't with you? You guys are usually always together!"  
  
"Oh, yea, Harry said he had something else to do and went down the other way of the hallway."  
  
Hermione nodded in an understanding matter.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
There was Harry, right there, by the prefects compartment, snogging Ginny.  
  
No, Voldemort.  
  
No, Percy.  
  
No, Snape.  
  
No, Umbridge.  
  
No, actually, he was full-on snogging with Tonks, who was trying to decide on a look. Harry finally snapped out of snogging after she changed to Umbridge.  
  
"Please, stick with a look."  
  
Tonks finally decided on a red haired green eyed asian girl.  
  
"Okay, now, back to snogging and screwing"  
  
Tonks and Harry began snogging and, after about five minutes of crazy snogging, began getting to the crazy monkey sex.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
The train finally got to the school, and the door swung open. Hermione sat up, quickly snogged Ron, and ran out.  
  
'Wonder who's next?' thought Hermione, looking around at all the teenage boys she passed.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
A/N : So, who's next on the payroll? Keep on reading to find out! 


	2. Prefect's Bathroom and Neville

Hermione's New Job  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Description: In her sixth year, Hermione is extremely short on Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Her new job of choice? Well, you'll just have to read then, won't you? *coughhighendwhorecough*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I would be writing book six, not *this*.  
  
A/N Notes: Loui - I'm gonna spend the next few episodes setting up a few things with this story, and after I do that, I think a collab would be fun!  
  
UberGeek - I chose Tonks because I couldn't make a decision as to who he should have been snogging, as shown in ze eppie.  
  
Episode Two: Neville and the Prefect's Bathroom  
  
Hermione walked out of the train and waited for a carriage. When she saw one stop, she saw Ron in the crowd, so she grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him over to the carriage, not allowing anybody else to join them.  
  
"Promise me you won't tell anybody!" whispered Hermione in a desperate tone.  
  
"What? You are a hooker, don-"  
  
"DON'T go around saying what I do!"  
  
"But you're broke, don't you WANT the customers?"  
  
"Well of course, but I don't want to get popular, that would be bad. I had some trouble managing my schedule last year, plus be doing what I do!"  
  
"What do you mean you had trouble manag-"  
  
They were interrupted by Harry and Ginny coming and getting in the carriage. Harry looked like a mess, and it looked like he had some pink lipstick on his left ear, while Ginny's hair was no longer red, but a deep black.  
  
"Ginny, what happened to your hair?" Hermione asked curiously.  
  
"She dyed it over the summer. Mum wasn't very happy. Nor was d-WHEN did you start smoking?"  
  
Ginny had a cigarette in her hand and was using her wand to lit it. Ron looked like he was going to go out of his mind. Ginny drew in a deep puff and then blew it out while speaking.  
  
"Jordan gave me a pack to try."  
  
"Who's Jordan?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Her new boyfriend, Jordan Shire. She started dating him after she and Michael broke up. He's kind of creepy."  
  
"He's not creepy, he's just a Cure fan."  
  
"Same difference," Ron muttered under his breath.  
  
Hermione looked at her feet, but noticed something else.  
  
"Ginny, what's that under your school robes?"  
  
Ron and Harry suddenly noticed that Ginny was wearing her school robe like a bath robe. Ginny relaxed the hold on her robe to show an interesting outfit.  
  
Buckles. Plaid. Stilettos. However, Ron noticed none of that.  
  
"When did you get a tattoo?"  
  
"Jordan did it for me, you like it?"  
  
Hermione got a look at it as Ginny repositioned her leg and was slighty startled. It was a tattoo of a spiderweb on Ginny's right calf..  
  
"It's interactive, look!"  
  
Ginny poked the tattoo with her wand. It stood still for about half a second before a huge spider walked onto the web and then back off. Ron screamed like a little school girl.  
  
Then, the school came into view. As the carriage stopped, Ron glared madly at Ginny, and as she and Harry walked out, Hermione grabbed on to the back of Ron's shirt.  
  
"Promise you won't tell anybody." Ron looked at Hermione and saw the desperate look on her face.  
  
"Okay, I promise, I won't." That was all it took for Hermione. She jumped out of the carriage and let Ron fall out of the carriage.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
During the sorting ceremony, Hermione noticed that there was a first year who kept staring longingly at her, and she couldn't help but hope that he came from a rich family. At that thought, she became extremely disgusted with herself, and began to stare at the hat.  
  
After Dumbledore made his usual announcements, the food appeared on her plate, and she began to eat, finding herself extremely hungry due to the cart witch not being able to get in the room. She looked over and saw Ginny handing a book to Ron, a look of disgust on Ginny's face. Ron then walked over.  
  
"Here. Mum tried to give Ginny an enchanted diary, so that she could track everything Ginny's been doing. However, Ginny knew, from experience, not to trust the thing, so she wrote an insulting note to Mum, and Mum turned off the charm. However, now she doesn't want the dang thing in case the charmed is turned back on. So, take it."  
  
Ron then put the book by Hermione's plate, and walked back to sit with Ginny. Hermione looked through the black book and figured out the perfect use for it.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
'Ronald Weasley, 16, 15 galleons, now only 285 galleons away from goal.'  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Hermione woke up very early the next day in the hopes that she could take a trip to the Prefect's Bathroom and wash up. However, when she woke up, Neville was in the common room.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Good morning Ne-excuse me? Merlin, did Ron tell you? Cause if so he's-"  
  
"I was in the car next to you, dummy. And I found your book. You need a better title than 'My List of Customers I've F-"  
  
"Okay, okay, I just assumed some people would have better taste than to go through people's personal stuff. But why do you care?"  
  
Neville coughed sadly. He was about to talk, but she put two and two together.  
  
"...Prefects Bathroom?"  
  
The rest is history. However, I will say that Myrtle floated in and didn't know whether to be sick or sorry for Hermione.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
'Neville Longbottom, 15, 25 galleons, 260 to go.'  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Hermione came to breakfast a little messy, in need of a hairbrushing, three hours later. She had been napping. She didn't care though, she was so- dang-tired. Ron sat next to her.  
  
"Warning-Neville has a huge trap. Say no to any questions thrown at you."  
  
Hermione didn't like the way that sounded.  
  
A/N : So, what did Neville have to say, exactly? STAY TUNED! Oh, and let me know who should be next! 


	3. Malfoy and Potions

Hermione's New Job  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Description: In her sixth year, Hermione is extremely short on Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Her new job of choice? Well, you'll just have to read then, won't you? *coughhighendwhorecough*  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, he would be snogging Tonks in the books. If I owned Harry Potter, Hermione would be a hooker/whore in the books. If I owned Harry Potter, Ginny would be a goth in the books. If I owned Harry Potter, the books would be way more twisted.  
  
A/N Notes: Muskrat - Yer a psychic lil rodent, no?  
  
Episode Three: Malfoy and Potions  
  
After breakfast, Hermione had lost all respect and/or sympathy towards Neville. Neville had spread a few rumors, only two that were true.  
  
Rumor List "Hermione's a whore." "I slept with Hermione." "I was really good." "We did it for hours." "I made her wand shoot sparks, so to speak."  
  
The list mainly goes on in that cocky manner. And guess which two are true?  
  
Hermione looked down at her class list and groaned. Double Potions with Slytherin, double DADA with Hufflepuff, Arithmancy, and Charms with Ravenclaw.  
  
'Oh great, mockery from all houses,' she thought darkly.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Hermione came into the room last, everyone staring at her and whispering to their neighbor. She wished at that very moment she could drink a disappearing potion.  
  
Malfoy was staring at her. However, it wasn't a disgusted look, if anything, it was a look of interest. Hermione noticed, got one of the worst mental images known to mankind, and held back the urge to run to the bathroom and projectile vomit. She had to fight it again only seconds later when Pansy shot her the exact same look.  
  
She sat between Harry and Ron. Harry looked just as messy, if not messier, as the day before, when they first got to Hogwarts. His hair was even more unkept looking as before, his lips were an odd glossy pink, and his hair had some thin blonde highlights that weren't there before. Ron just looked annoyed.  
  
Seconds later, Professor Snape walked in, but his look wasn't his usual look. He didn't look sullen, but hopeful. Hermione quickly put two and two together and got a dirty feeling.  
  
"For the next month, we will be learning about a set of potions that are illegal but highly useful; love potions."  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
"I wish I could find a potion that would turn that creep into a pony."  
  
Hermione was walking to DADA with Harry and Ron, and she wasn't all that thrilled.  
  
"The greasy git freak of nature kept shooting me these...these...looks during the class. He should die."  
  
"What happened to your respect for all people that Dumbledore trusts?"  
  
Hermione smacked Ron for talking back.  
  
They walked into the classroom, and got good seats at the front, waiting for the new teacher, who was currently unidentified. Then, she walked in, but it was as if the room was suddenly full of shadows, and she could not be seen.  
  
"Welcome to sixth year Defense Against the Dark Arts," the woman said in a dark voice. "My name is Alania Wilshure, but I highly advise you call me Professor Wilshure."  
  
She stepped out of the shadow to reveal herself, a pretty girl, a few skipped meals away from gaunt, with diamond blue eyes and shiny red hair, a pale complexion with it.  
  
"Before I begin, I want to fill you in on my history. I admit I was a Slytherin child, but I deeply regret being put there, and if you think I will favor Slytherin, like certain other teachers, you are highly mistaken. I will only favor those who show talent in this field, but I will also be here to help those who could use improvement. I will admit that in my early years I was a death eater, but I have left that world behind, because I discovered that the ways of dark arts and evil are something that will only drag you back in life, not help you forward.  
  
I, sadly, had to learn that the hard way..."  
  
She gave a sigh, which was high-pitched in comparison to the way she talked, and walked back to her desk and began to pull out some student records.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
"At first, she was interesting, but about five minutes in, she became monotone..."  
  
"Ron, all she did was see where we were. Of course that would be monotone."  
  
They were at lunch, and were discussing Professor Wilshure, who, as previously said, bored alot of the class. Ron was just about to say something, when an owl swooped down and dropped a note for Hermione.  
  
"What's this? Hermione, I need to see you in the dungeons after dinner so I can give you news on your potion, Severus Snape. Ack, evil perverted git. I'm sure this has nothing to do with potions."  
  
"Hermione, do you know a spell that would cause people's heads to detach from their bodies? Cause Neville looks like the perfect practice target about now."  
  
"Now suddenly you feel sympathetic towards me? Hey, wait, where did Harry go?"  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
And again, we witness Harry and Tonks snogging and having crazy monkey sex.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
That night, after dinner, Hermione followed the commands of the note, and went to the dungeons. However, she found no signs of Snape. However, sitting by a cauldron was Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Hello, Granger," he said, fighting back a disgusted look.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"What do you think I want? For a little teacher's pet, you aren't exactly that bri-"  
  
"What's wrong with your little girlfriend, Pansy?"  
  
He suddenly looked extremely hurt and offended. He looked at the floor as he pulled something out of his pocket, and threw it at her feet. It was a picture. Of Pansy. Snogging Millicent. And looking extremely happy about snogging Millicent.  
  
"Oh. Okay. I see. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're decent looking - in a rat faced sort of way, of course - why not just get another girlfriend?"  
  
"Thought about that, but then I remembered the saying money doesn't buy you happiness."  
  
"You do realise I'm a ho-"  
  
"Let me finish, mudblood. I remembered the saying money doesn't buy you happiness. And I've decided to prove that theory wrong."  
  
"Ah. Okay. Hold on just a second while I get my lingerie."  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
'Draco Malfoy, 16, 40 galleons, 220 to go.'  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
"Draco has a bigger mouth than Neville."  
  
"Hermione, at least Neville's mouth gave some positive things about you. He's just saying you came on to him, and revealed your lingerie."  
  
"WHAT? I HAD TO GO BACK TO THE COMMON ROOM AND GET MY LINGERIE!"  
  
Ron and Harry, who was again messy, stared at her for a minute, until she went back to her eggs and bacon.  
  
A/N : 


	4. Sevviekins and the Shrieking Shack

Hermione's New Job  
  
By: Hurmynee  
  
Description: In her sixth year, Hermione is extremely short on Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Her new job of choice? Well, you'll just have to read then, won't you? *coughhighendwhorecough*  
  
Disclaimer: I am definately not richer than the Queen of England, okay? So butt off! ^^;  
  
A/N Notes: JuicyJuice - I'm really bad at rating things. I don't like ratings or censorship or anything, I kinda just want it to die XD  
  
Manda - You have to be a die-hard fan, you are my furry-end ^^;  
  
Episode Four : Sevviekins and The Shrieking Shack  
  
"Hello Whoremione!"  
  
"Can you do a free job for me, Whoremione?"  
  
"Put your hand down and stop being a know-it-all, WHOREmione!"  
  
'I hate this shit. Very much so I hate this shit,' she chanted in her head everywhere she went. Between Neville and Draco, no one thought well of Hermione. During the day, anyway. At night, guys couldn't stop flirting with her. They would keep requesting free work. It got so bad, she had to start studying in bed.  
  
And then girls would start hitting on her.  
  
Ron and Harry were still friends with her, of course. But Harry was never to be found. And Ron offered to be her, well, for a lack of better word, "pimp". Which meant he got half of what she earned. Which meant a major drawback in what little she had already earned. 40 galleons went to him. He tried to promote, but stopped when his position on the Quidditch team was threatened. He was just starting to get really good, too, so...  
  
She was so frustrated. School, which was usually a breeze for her, made her feel like she was going to pass out and not wake until the day of graduation. And it felt like it would never, ever, ever end. Then, there was light in the distance.  
  
There was a flyer in the common room. Hogsmeade would be next weekend.  
  
'Joy, a break. A small one, but none-the-less.'  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
The night before, she was trying to figure out how much money to bring, then decided none of it, because she might end up spending it all on butterbeer.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
Whorem - I'm gonna start this paragraph again, if that's okay with you.  
  
Hermione and Ron were sitting in the Three Broomsticks, waiting for Harry. Hermione considered leaving many times, (Snape was acting like a perverted old man.) but Harry wanted to introduce his girlfriend, who he had apparently been sneaking around with since his 16th birthday, when he became legal. He noted the legal part, which made both Whorem - Hermione. Hermione and Ron quite curious.  
  
Ron began to say they should leave, when Harry entered the room with a strange girl on his arm. She looked about 20, and she had red hair and green eyes and she looked asian.  
  
"Guys, I know you guys can't recognise her, but this is my new girlfriend, Tonks."  
  
"Tonks?" said Hermione.  
  
"Yea."  
  
"Tonks," said Ron.  
  
"...Yea."  
  
Ron and Hermione began laughing at the top of their lungs.  
  
"You perverted prick," Ron choked through laughter.  
  
"I can only imagine. Ever done your-your-yourse-HAHAHAHAHA!" Hermione was glad she was sitting down, because if she wasn't, she'd be on the floor kicking like a child.  
  
Harry and Tonks stared at Ron and Hermione for a second, not quite grasping what was perverted or funny.  
  
"Shall we go into the bathroom and have wild sex while doing perverted things with these here chains, Harry?"  
  
"Eh, why not?"  
  
They weren't seen for the rest of the day.  
  
When Ron and Hermione finally stopped laughing, they didn't even notice Harry and Tonks left. However, they did notice Snape standing stalker-ishly close to their table.  
  
"Whor-Hermione. I would like to talk to you in private."  
  
Hermione shot a fearful look Ron's way. He shot a look back, which said "Hey! I'm your pimp. I can't stop him!"  
  
She walked off with Snape, but made sure she sent a certain bird Ron's way as she sat up.  
  
I'm gonna speed through here, hope you don't mind.  
  
BlahblahblahIneedalayBlahblahblahYouhatemygutsBlahblahblahHaven'thadsexsince seventhyearBlahblahblahWannaknowwhyBlahblahblahDon'tbeabitchBlahblahblahFine butIbettergetpaidreallywell.  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
The Shrieking Shack hadn't made a noise in a good 30 years. But tonight, it wouldn't shut up. For hours, lots of weird noises came from it. Shame, since the superstition was just starting to leave...  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
"Severus Snape, 47, 120 galleons, got 60, 200 away."  
  
~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~  
  
A/N : Gah! I'm sorry. Manda nagged me, I swear she did. But I had, like, NO inspiration for this. Well, now it's 2004. I've been a member of FF.net for a WHOLE YEAR! So, why not update this sucker? 


End file.
